Whine without the cheese

I really don't want this blog to be about me whining, but maybe just for this post. And probably a few more later on. Ok, who am I kidding? But the whole reason I'm writing this blog is to express my feelings whether or not anyone else reads it. So there. 

I feel like my head is going to explode. Last Friday, while wrangling my boys and two other kiddies to the park, I somehow (perhaps it was the squirming baby, the toddler who bites everyone, the other toddler who steals stranger's snacks, or the boy who was talking back to me and swinging a large stick) somehow lost my phone. This phone was basically my life in pocket-size and now its gone so I feel a little vulnerable. Its not like I can't live without my phone - there are worse things to lose- but I counted on it to remember things for me. Now I have to mine all of that information out my already depleted brain. And it was really nice to have the Internet whenever I needed it. Plus it contained pictures and videos since Toby was two, all of my contacts and lists of things I didn't want to have to remember. Oops.

Its the phone thing plus all of the unknowns about SoKo that make my head feel like its going to start leaking. I just wish I could know something, like what our house will be like, whether or not we'll find a nice school for Toby, and what life will really be like there. Speaking of school, I LOVE Toby's school and went through a lot to get him in there. It's this charming, arts-based cooperative preschool that I adore and they're already advertising to fill his spot in January. I completely understand that they need to do this but it still makes me feel sad and a little jealous. That's my son's spot but he has to be withdrawn. Sad face. My heart breaks at the thought of him not going back there. His teachers are patient child-whispering geniuses and after that whole process of applying, waiting, applying for financial aid, and waiting some more, he has them for all of three months. Another sad face.

I'm also working on my childbirth educator certification and I have requirements I need to check off my list. Since I don't know what the situation in Korea will be I was really hoping to get it all done here by the end of the year. Unfortunately, the people I was counting on to help me fulfill these requirements appear to be leaving me in the lurch and I'm running out of time. I'm sure its still possible to do it in Korea but I thought I had everything in the bag already. So much for my time management and preparations!

It just feels like my nest is falling apart. I'm weary of moving and having the majority of every year be either about getting used to a new place or getting used to the idea that we're going to be in a new place very soon.  I worry a lot about how I will deal with everything because how I deal with it will affect how my boys deal with it. It means I have to be positive, enthusiastic, excited and strong for them all the time even if I feel the opposite. It's not that I have to have a fake smile glued to my face 24/7 but I have to show them that this move is O.K., Mommy's O.K. and they're safe. Marc will be gone most of every day so they will be looking to me for how to process all the changes. I guess this is what all women have to do to some extent - be the strong one. I may feel like sucking my thumb in the fetal position on the floor but I have to get up and move forward for their sake. I just HOPE I really like it there so I don't have to fake-it too much. At least we're not going to be completely on our own. We'll live near the American Army base, which is like a mini-American city and there will be lots of other people in our same situation.